So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
