Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
