why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
