My Higher Power is John Stamos
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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