Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
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