the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
