I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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