I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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