so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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