I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
