The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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