I didn't shave. On purpose
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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