I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize