oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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