my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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