Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
