Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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