Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
