it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
