How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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