listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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