foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
