I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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