My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
