I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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