the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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