matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
