Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Randomize
