Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize