my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
