im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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