I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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