he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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