I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
