I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
