We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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