Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
