Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize