if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
