everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize