actually, I'm a sock model
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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