i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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