Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
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