I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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