well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
