I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
