i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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