Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
