do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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