finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
