just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
