I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I am midnight drunk by noon
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
