this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
