when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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