Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Randomize