He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
So squirting runs in the family.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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