it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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