so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
