What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
