I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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