Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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